The Great Portable Fanfic
by ShadowCatFan
Summary: What happens when all of someones fandoms suddenly exist in the same universe?
1. Default Chapter

The Great Portable Fanfic: Why great? 'Cause I said so. Why Portable? 'Cause it is.  
  
Chapter 1:   
Once upon a time in a galaxy not so far away resided Kelsey. It bore a lot of resemblance to reality. In fact, it IS reality. Kelsey resided in reality, but she preferred to spend time in other galaxies. Sometimes she visited Buffy-land and other times General Hospital-ity, she hung out in Animorph-ania and she half-dwelled in X-Man-ia permanently. Lately she found herself traveling to 24/Seven-ville and Degrassi-ton as well. And what with all the stress of college and the internet and fics, she found herself mixing her fandoms up. And that is how and why this terrible travesty of a fic exists.  
  
I woke up in a familiar bed, but then I have seven. I looked around and realized I was in an attic with three other people. Definitely Degrassi-ton. But I could have sworn my bed was from General Hospital-ity. And I was wearing my favorite pajamas from 24/Seven-ville. I'd being getting my fandoms mixed up, so I figured I was just confused. I got up and went downstairs, half-excited and half dreading my day in Degrassi-ton. If my life were a half-hour pre-teen melodrama cast with several very cute young actors, this would be it. I went down the creaky stairs to find my dad and Naiomi sitting at the table drinking coffee. Now I knew something was wrong. Dad and Naiomi are supposed to be in Animorph-ania. This is the price I pay for drinking large quanities of caffeinated beverages and juice and staying up later than is strictly sensible.  
  
I really should be studying for the quiz in my Child Development class in 27 minutes.  
  
"Dad? Naiomi?" I asked, "I'm confused."  
//Why?// Professor Xavier asked rolling in.  
"Because, this is all... wrong. It's very, very wrong," I said aloud.  
"No. It's perfectly logical that we go visit your uncle Simpson while you are 6 different ages in three different countries," my step-father Stefan announced steping into the house. 


	2. Chapter 2: Slightly Less Confused

Chapter 2:  
I decided it would be safer to go straight to school, so I got ready and left without saying a word to anyone, from any fandom.  
I was greatly relieved to see Degrassi Community School, I had been half-expecting 24/Seven-ville's The Oaks. I rushed into Degrassi even though I was two hours early for classes.  
"Hi Eddie!" I greeted the blind teacher. "Wait. What are you doing here?"  
"Kelsey. You seem surprised to see me," he observed.  
"You're supposed to be in 24/Seven-ville," I informed him.  
"Are you feeling alright?"  
"I'm just a little confused. I think I may have eaten something that didn't agree with me," I explained.  
  
Like, oh say, a chicken teriyaki sandwich and chili cheese fries and 2 diet cokes at Bakers perhaps?   
  
Yeah. Like that.  
  
"That's a pity. Perhaps you should have Vice-Principle Chapman call-"  
"Wait. Chapman?" But, he's from Animorph-ania.  
"Yes."  
"I think I'll go make a call myself. I'll talk to you later Eddie!"   
"Always pleased to help Kelsey," Eddie called after me.  
"Hello?" Someone familiar picked up the phone at my uncle's.  
"Um, hi. Can I please speak to the Professor?" I requested.  
  
Wait, wait, wait! Since when is the Professor there?  
  
Since now I guess.  
  
Good answer.  
  
Oh shut-up!  
  
"Kels? Is that you?"   
"Marco? Is that you?" I replied mockingly.  
"Yeah."  
"Good. Then get me the Professor, NOW!" I commanded.  
"Yes'm."  
"Kelsey?" A new voice was on the line.  
"Professor! Read my mind and tell me what the heck is going on here. PLEASE!"  
"You know I can't do that," the Professor chided.  
"Forget morals and all that, you HAVE to do it!" I insisted.  
"No, I mean I CAN'T. As the child of Jean Grey and Magneto your mind is closed to me," the Professor explained.  
  
WHAT? We never wrote that!  
  
"What? I never wrote that!" I exclaimed in horror.  
"Nevertheless, you thought it and that made it true," Xavier elaborated.  
  
I'm confused. I thought Xavier couldn't read my/her/our mind.  
  
It's The Great Portable Fanfic, just go with it!  
  
Oh alright, but I don't have to like it.  
  
Will you shut-up and let us get back to the story?  
  
Fine.  
  
Fine  
  
Great.  
  
Ssh!  
  
"So, you can't tell me what the heck is going on here?" I asked the Professor.  
"No more than you've already figured out," the Professor confirmed.  
"And no one else in these 6 universes is confused?"  
"We are all figments of your imagination," Xavier pointed out.  
"My imagination IS confused!" I insisted.  
  
So is mine!  
  
Be. Quiet.  
  
"No, your imagination is over-active. The part of you based in reality is confused," the Professor corrected.  
"There's a part of me based in reality? So many people will be SO glad to hear that."  
"Kelsey! Stop tying up the phone! I've got to call my mum and ask her to come visit me!" A blond with an American accent that occasionally lapsed into Brittish announced.  
"Tally! Hang on just a sec," I requested. "Professor, I gotta go. Thanks for your help, I think."  
"You are always welcome. Goodbye."  
"Girls, hurry up or you'll be late to homeroom," an Asian woman warned  
"Sorry Ms. Kwan! Come on Tally!" I encouraged.  
  
Wait! Stop! Hold the phone! 2 hours haven't passed yet!  
  
YEARS have passed in two pages of fanfiction. 2 hours is nothing! Besides, this is The Great Portable Fanfic. Go with it. 


	3. Chapter 3: School Daze

Chapter 3:  
  
I took my seat surrounded by various people of various ages from various fandoms as class began.  
  
Woe that I was a telekinetic!  
  
Then you wouldn't have to get off your lazy ass?  
  
Shut-up yourself.  
  
Hey, maybe you are telekinetic after all.  
  
You mean because apparently we're the love-child of Jean and Magneto? Great.  
  
"This is too weird!" I exclaimed as Ms. Kwan began a lecture in French.  
"You mean because Ms. Kwan is teaching an English class in French?" Buffy asked.  
"That, and I range in age from 12-20, and I have at least two sets of parents, and I'm in 6 fandoms at once. I suppose it could be worse. My mini-fantasy-fics and fantasies of reality could show up," I sighed.  
  
Oh God. That WOULD be worse.  
  
Way worse.  
  
The Actor/Jake/Bobby, the many incarnations of Eric, assorted other characters and real people.  
Ephrim from Everwood, Det. John Clark from NYPD Blue, Dr. Carter from ER, Connor from Angel.... Did I miss any?  
  
Probably lots.  
  
Uh-oh! Now that I've thought of them does that mean they're gonna have cameos?  
  
Dunno. Shall we read on?  
  
Uh, yes.  
  
"Whatever Kels. You're acting weird. Now ssh!" Buffy informed me.  
24/Seven-ville's Anya poked her head into the classroom.   
"Ms. Kwan? Make I speak to Kelsey for a moment?" she requested.  
"No, no, no," I whispered.  
"Yes of course Anya. A fine upstanding student like yourself can get away with murder," Ms. Kwan smiled blandly.  
To my shock, at that moment Detectives Clark and Sipowitz popped out of the floor.  
  
Guess that answers the cameo question.  
  
Yep. I can't wait for Actor and Bobby and Jake to meet.  
  
Oh yeah! Yummy!  
  
Can we get back to TGPF now?  
  
As soon as you tell me what TGPF means.  
  
The Great Portable Fanfic.  
  
I like saying The Great Portable Fanfic better. It sounds more...  
  
Shamelessly self-promoting?  
  
Yes, that's it exactly!  
  
"Anya, um, no-last-name you are under arrest for the murder of Miles' airtime. You have the right to remain silent or I'll rough you up," Sipowitz warned.  
"Oooh, ooh" I raised my hand and waved it, "Detective Clark will you 'rough me up'?" I asked eagerly. He winked at me.   
"Bye Anya!" I waved as she was cuffed and disappeared back through the floor with Sipowitz and Clark. "I'm really starting to like this whole 'Screwy Universe' thing."  
"Kels? You okay? You aren't making sense. Did Yeerks get you?" Tobias asked.  
"If they did, would I say 'yes'? No. But no, Yeerks did not get me, and I know I'm not making sense. To anyone else anyway," I explained to Tobias.  
"So who are you making sense to?"  
"Me, myself and I."  
  
Hey I, you got a mention in this fic!  
  
Cool! Wait, so did you!  
  
Really? Neat! I'm famous! 'I'd like to thank the Acadamy-'  
  
Shut-up and let me read.  
  
Sheesh. You're cranky for someone newly famous.  
  
No. I just wanna read.  
  
Fine. 'Now back to The Great Portable Fanfic.' 


	4. Chapter 4: Magnificent Men and Ear Peopl...

Chapter 4:  
  
"Hey, you left early this morning," Sean observed.  
"Yeah. I kinda... couldn't deal with everyone at the house," I told him.  
"You okay?" Sean asked with the instant concern my fantasy guys are noted for. I hid a smile.  
"Yeah, I'm okay. But, I could use a hug," I couldn't hide my grin as Sean obliged.  
  
Woo-hoo! That's my girl!  
  
Way to manipulate the situation to you advantage!  
  
Hear, hear!  
  
"Sean, I gotta go," I rushed off to greet Jake. Or Bobby.  
"Hey there," the hot blond greeted me with a kiss. Nutmeg. Jake.  
  
Wait. She can't tell the difference?  
  
The melodrama escalates.  
  
"Jake," I snuggled close to him.  
"Kels, Tobias is worried about you." Jake informed me.  
"I know, but I'm completely fine."  
"You sure?" he pressed.  
"Totally, but, have you noticed anything, I don't know, odd going on?" I asked him.  
"Besides you?" Jake asked, "No. No other weirdness." I pretended him.  
"I gotta run Jake," I told him and hurried towards Miles.  
"Did she talk to you?" Miles greeted me.  
"Who? About what?"  
"Anya," Miles elaborated minimally.  
"Oh. No, she got arrested by the guys from NYPD Blue before she got the chance," I explained.  
"I see. Good. She's an air-time killer."  
"True. What was she going to tell me?" I asked.  
"Um, nothing. Lies. Don't worry about it," Miles rushed away leaving me baffled.  
  
Ooh mystery!  
  
He's cheating on her. I'm telling you, he's cheating on her!  
  
You have no faith in Miles do you?  
  
Can you blame me?  
  
I thought we discussed this. He's only acting out for attention 'cause he's jealous of Chris.  
  
Or he could just be a jerk.  
  
He's too cute to be just a jerk.  
  
That's deep. And what about Abby's dad? He's cute and he turned out to be a jerk.  
  
That was reality, it doesn't count. Besides he wasn't as cute when he was clean and up close.  
  
Whatever. No, Miles is just a big jerky-head.  
  
Jerky-head? You're wrong. How can we share the same brain and disagree?  
  
Dunno. Can we please get back to The Great Portable Fanfic now?  
  
Sure!  
  
"Okay, that was weird-er," I muttered as Miles left.  
"Kelsey? Can we talk?" Cyclops approached me.   
"What's up Scott?"  
"Um, I know you, and your personalities, are in love with me," he explained.  
  
Is he talking about us?  
  
No. I think he's talking specifically about Samantha and Morgan, and about Amanda/Jennifer/Alexia/Kay generally.  
  
Oh. Okay. Doesn't matter anyway, we're still famous.  
  
Back to the fic?  
  
Uh-huh.  
  
"Right," I confirmed.  
"And I know Jean's a big skanky hoe. And mean."  
  
YES!  
  
"And apparently my mother," I pointed out.  
"Oh right. I heard about that. But she's not Morgan's mom is she?" Scott looked hopeful.  
"I don't think she is," I agreed.  
"Well, can you, bring Morgan out?" Scott asked.  
"I don't really know. I've never done anything like this before," I warned.  
"Try," Scott pleaded.  
"For the record Samantha is very disappointed," I contorted my face and Morgan popped out of my right ear. "That's new."  
  
Whoa! Just when I thought this story couldn't get weirder, it did.  
  
That explains her ear issues though.  
  
It's awfully, Yeerk-esque though.  
  
It also explains why we're deaf in our right ear.  
  
Why? 'Cause all our personalities are blocking the enterance?  
  
Precisely.  
  
I was being sarcastic. This is getting just too weird... can we please get back to The Great Portable Fanfic?  
  
Of course.  
  
Scott kissed Morgan who apparently didn't taste like earwax. They linked arms without so much as a 'Thank you for freeing me from your inner-ear.' I rubbed my right ear.  
"Who's Scott with?" Bobby asked coming up from behind me.  
"Morgan. She used to live in my inner-ear," I told him seriously.  
"You are so strange!" he kissed me.  
"Hey. That's my girlfried!" Jake broke us apart and Bobby and Jake found themselves face to face.  
"No she's MY girlfriend," Bobby insisted.  
"It doesn't matter! You're the same guy!" I pointed out.  
"Yeah, me!" Actor popped-up out of the ground.  
"You have a twin," I pointed out, " just look at these as your other brothers."  
Actor ignored me and sucked Jake and Bobby into his ears.  
  
Oh no. I can't handle more ear-people.  
  
Ssh! I wanna find out what happens next!  
  
"So does this mean you're my boyfriend-squared?" I asked Actor hopefully.  
"Nice try," he staed as he sunk back into the ground.  
  
I think I'm getting a headache.  
  
Does the brain actually feel pain?  
  
Grr! 


	5. Chapter 5: Ghost World

Part 5:  
I returned to class. Computer Lit. Taught by Buffy-land's own Ms. Calender.  
  
Now we're dealing with ghosts too? Groovy.  
  
"Mum!" Bethan exclaimed and raced out of the class. Tara shook Ms. Calender's hand and introduced herself. Despite living (and dying) in the same universe the two hadn't met.  
Jean Grey walked in.   
"But, you aren't dead," I pointed out. She gave me a faintly evil smile.  
"Depends on when and where, daughter," she winked and sat next too me.  
"Great-" my snarky comment was cut off by Craig running into the room with a pretty brunette behind him.  
"Look! Look! My mom isn't dead after all!" He shouted gleefully.  
"Heartwarming story," I couldn't tell if Jean was being sarcastic or not. Rachel suddenly materialized in the other seat next to me.  
  
Wait, I'm confused. Rachel and Kelsey aren't dead.  
Actually, that depends on which ending you read.  
Oh right. I forgot about the alternate ending. Gotta love indecisive fic writers.  
Be nice, AND be quiet!  
  
"So," Rachel greeted me, "Ghost class?"  
"Apparently so. Rach?"  
"Yeah sis?"  
"Honestly, does any of this seem at all weird to you? Don't ask if I'm okay, just answer the question," I requested.  
"Honestly? No, not any weirder than real life," I grasped at the statement.  
"By weirder than real life, do you mean weird Yeerk battles, or life life?"   
"I dunno. I guess they're the same thing, aren't they?" Rachel observed.  
  
Oooh, deep.  
Thus ends a very short chapter of The Great Portable Fanfic. 


	6. Chapter 6: Family DisFUNction

Chapter 6: Family DisFUNction  
  
Actor, Jake, and Bobby stood on a street corner talking.  
  
What? I thought they were in his ears!  
Me too, but…  
I know, I know. This is The Great Portable Fanfic, go with it.  
  
I blinked, but decided not to ponder it. I was late for lunch with my "family", which I interpreted as everyone genetically related to me.   
  
I've got a bad feeling.  
You SO aren't the only one.  
  
"Mom, Dad, Jean, Magneto, Aunt Julie, Aunt Jenny, Uncle Archie, Sam, Kaytie, Kaylee the Vampire Cheerleader, sorry I'm late," I apologized entering the restaurant.  
"It's okay."  
"Hi Kels."  
"Kesy!"  
"Try to be more prompt in the future," Magneto advised.  
"Who died and made you Stefan?" I wondered. "Why are we at a pizza place?"  
"It's dark," my cousin observed.  
"And the garlic isn't a problem?" I inquired.  
"Kel-sey! That is SUCH an urban legend!" Kaylee the Vampire Cheerleader chided me.  
"Sorry. Can we eat now? And then can I go back to school?" I hoped.  
  
Whoa. Never thought I'd live to see the day.  
No kidding.  
  
"Can I ask you all a question?" I asked as we chowed down on pineapple pizza.  
"Of course," my Aunt Julie consented.  
"Have you noticed anything… weird about today?" I inquired. Jean caught my eye and shook her head.   
'We'll talk later' she mouthed.  
"Well, I guess this reunion is kind of unusual," Aunt Jenny admitted.  
  
Yeah, especially since you're dead.  
Be nice.  
I wasn't being mean. I was simply stating a fact. Jenny Callender is dead.  
Fine.  
  
"No it's not," Mom protested indignantly. "It's perfectly normal to go to a foregin country to meet up with my family, ex-husband, and ex-brother-in-law."   
"Not to mention Kelsey's other parents," my father observed.  
  
Wait just a sec. Does this mean Scott's our step-dad? Is it wrong to have a crush on your step-father?  
Probably. But I'm not sure Scott's our step-father. He's with ear-girl now, remember?  
Eeew! Point.  
  
"They have a right to want to be involved in our daughter's life," my mother defended.  
"It makes sense to me Aunt 'Net," Kaylee the Vampire Cheerleader piped up.  
  
And that will make us all rest easy.  
Why are you being so snippy?   
Just read.  
  
I studied my pizza intently.  
"Oh!" Aunt Jenny exclaimed, "class is about to start. Coming Archie?"  
"Sure," my uncle agreed. "Come on Kelsey we'll give you a ride."  
I got up eagerly, "Thanks guys. See the rest of you later." 


	7. Chapter 7: Dream Boys

Chapter 7: …The Dream Boys Arrive  
Every once in a while, even in ficlands, you get a chunk of time to just let your mind wander. This is a bad thing.  
  
Why do I keep running into people I know?  
'Cause you're in a world you created.   
That is so existential.  
You know that wasn't my point.  
Oh? Then what was?  
That you can't create your own strangers.  
Oh. Good point.  
I rather thought so. This chapter sucks and I'm talking to myself.  
And without caffeine too.  
I should have my brain hooked up to the internet.  
That might hurt. And scare people.  
True.  
So…  
So, I need a plot.  
It's not the only thing you need.  
True. 'I need a man, I need a man.'  
  
Suddenly a man appeared in front of me.  
  
Well that's one way of taking care of a problem.  
  
Tall, dark brown hair and eyes.  
"I'm Chris," he told me.  
"You're the man of my dreams."  
"Thanks."  
"No. I mean you were in my dream. We got married."  
"That's moving a little fast."  
I rolled my eyes, "I wasn't proposing to you."  
"I know."  
"You aren't funny you know." He flashed a grin.  
"Yes I am."  
  
Great. Just what we need, another fictional guy.  
Yeah, but this guy's actually an original fictional guy. As opposed to other people's guys.  
:::sigh:::  
That wasn't intended to be depressing.  
Guys = depressing.  
Just 'cause you can't get any.  
Neither can you.  
But I'm okay with that.  
No you aren't.  
Yeah I am.  
Whatever you say Cleopatra.  
Huh?  
You aren't Cleopatra? Sorry, I just assumed, since you are the queen of denial.  
That is SO old!  
  
"So, Chris, what are you doing here?" I asked.  
"You though about me, so here I am," he explained.  
"People keep saying things like that, but I haven't actually tested the theory."  
"So test it now."  
"Alright." I closed my eyes and focused on the very cute Noah Wyle look alike from my dream last night.  
"You called?" a voice asked. My eyes popped open.  
"You got another dream guy?" Chris asked looking hurt.  
"He was the first face I thought about. And it's not like I have any use for either of you right now. Go off into the forest and stay there until I need you," I commanded. They both turned and walked off into the forest.   
Cool.  
Very.  
Did you know Noah Wyle is married and has a kid?  
What?! No!  
Yes.  
Don't smirk! My heart is breaking.  
It is not.  
I think I'm gonna cry.  
I think it's time for this chapter to be done. 


	8. Chapter 8: Baker's Fries and More Random...

Chapter 8:  
It was dark in the classroom and a video was droning on and the teacher watched mesmerized, giving Me and I time to ponder deep mysteries.  
  
Do Baker's fries have hallucinogenic properties?  
  
Mmm Baker's. Probably. Why?  
  
'Cause I think that might be why The Great Portable Fanfic exists.  
  
But we haven't had any fries today.  
  
Thus the lack of story.  
  
Oooh, point. Does this mean my muse is french fries? That is SO wrong!  
  
Really, it should be New York Super Fudge Chunk!  
  
Yeah. So, here plot, here plotty plotty plot...  
  
Ooh! I did have an idea, but it was for a 24 Seven and Harry Potter crossover.  
  
Sounds interesting.  
  
It was, but I need a plot for The Great Portable Fanfic instead.  
  
Yeah. Hey, we could incorporate Everwood-Kelsey.  
  
The one who spent 2 hours sulking 'cause she missed Queer As Folk?  
  
No. That's real Kelsey. Everwood- Kelsey is the one who's abused, from New York, who-  
  
Oh right. Right, right, right. But NO! No more fandoms!  
  
Not even Queer As Folk?  
  
No. Wait, what?  
  
Queer As Folk. That was my next suggestion.  
  
Oooh, tempting. :::Sigh::: But no, the last thing we need is to start writing Queer As Folk fic.  
  
Kill joy. Spoil our fun!  
  
Maybe Queer As Folk can cameo. So need a plot though.  
  
I gave you a plot.  
  
No, You gave me another problem.  
  
What ever you say.  
  
So help me!  
  
  
  
You can't do that!  
  
  
No fair giving the silent treatment to someone who shares your brain!  
  
Fine. Be that way! 


End file.
